G-Rated, G-Unit

This is going to get old quickly if all I talk about is my job. I will switch it up later.

I'm a bad employee, but an excellent person. Today this woman called in asking how to assemble her walker basket. I had to tell her to go to Home Depot or Lowe's and get Velcro. Seriously? You want me to tell an admitted 81 year old woman that? I actually did tell her that.

We were being somewhat rude to each other around that time. This was a rather long call. After I read the product description over to her and realized it didn't say anything about the assembly and how ridiculous it would be for a senior to go out for additional items to attach a basket to their walker, the conversation turned friendly. This is when it flipped and I read the product description to her.

"It doesn't say anything about how to assemble it and doesn't mention Velcro. Nor how to assemble it really, I'm sorry."
"That's stupid!"

I stammered a bit after that. I wasn't sure. Should I apologize profusely or admit how silly it would be to disagree? I ended up saying, "I...I...I can't disagree with you." We both burst out laughing after that and spoke about the weather and world events. I didn't want her to hang up. I was stuck between apologizing for idiotic corporate policy or being a real person.

Fire me. I don't get paid enough to be a whore.

I'd bang Alice Glass

I woke up too randomly, at a random time. When I did I peered at the telly and saw that the Royal Wedding glamour had already begun. This was 3AM est, which would make it 8AM in London. I'm glancing at the screen from time to time and it seems like such debauchery. Morrissey had it right afterall.

Coincidentally when I heard I could have today off, I went for it. I didn't think I would be in the mood for it on Friday and I was correct.

Oh God, Seinfeld was right too. It IS dress-up.

Go to hell Slutgers

I like to go outside sometimes for my break, simply to go outside and feel the weather, watch the traffic go by. Well, I'm pretty sure someone followed me out on Friday. It could have been purely coincidental, but I doubt it.

So this lady comes out and tells me her life story. I won't get too into it, but keep in mind I'm trying to just think. By myself. In other words, get away from me and stop talking to me. I'm far too polite to say that, though. So I listen on. And she's getting very close to me as she talks to me, up in my face. Then she randomly touches me. I suspect she was on something but I'm still in denial over how crazy people naturally are.

I told my friend about the touching part which was the most odd. He laughed and said I should have touched her back. I replied, "I should have with a closed fist. Then kept on blasting Tatu on my ipod." I should begin bringing my mp3 player to work, that reminds me.

This interaction sounds worse than I'm describing it. That's the problem with text.


(11:42:54 PM):  ur alma mater paid snooki 32 grand to talk about her hair
(11:42:58 PM):  FOR THE WIN
(11:43:06 PM):  AT THE BUZZER

I've been trying to keep up with the NBA playoffs. If only to listen to Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith's post-game review.

Work is fucking retarded

There is no way to describe it eloquently. I'm pretty sure some stupid fuck stole my unopened bottle of water because they were too cheap to buy one at the vending machine right next to the refrigerator. It may also have just gotten lost in the debris of plastic bags and poorly made 90's lunchbags. I'm not sure. But I dug for it and couldn't find it.

Work is life is death. I want the clock to go faster because I want my mundane job to go away so I can go on to do what I want to do, but while I want that I am unconsciously hoping for me to die faster.

Does that make sense?

It doesn't if you're a bad speller.

I make the best grilled cheese sandwiches on the east coast

I attempted to take my lunch break at 4PM in the so-called break room (unfortunately, not breakdance room) to enjoy my gross, healthy food in peace and failed miserably. I chose that time specifically because I thought, "Who the hell takes their lunch break at 4PM? I should be okay." A few minutes after my Birds Eye broccoli with cheese sauce meal was finished in the microwave, this big fat black woman, think Big Momma's House starring Martin Lawrence, walked in and said, "Phew, smells nasty in here."

There are a number of ways to take that. Would you like to go over them with me? I believe we shall. 1) It did not smell like fried chicken and collard greens so it sucked for her,  2) the scent of any kind of vegetables or fruit is nasty...except for watermelon of course, 3) or she just hates anything and everything white people make.

That sounds very racist. HEY, MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BLACK/HISPANIC/INDIAN/ASIAN. Do people still say that after they say something disparaging about another race? Fried chicken and watermelon are some of my favorite foods and so I've always gotten along well with African-Americans.

I'm gonna go make grilled cheese.

yo i'm just sayin

I believe what annoys me the most is the pay. I keep hearing about how college graduates start out at $30,000 a year and that's considered great. Really? Where? How? If you move back in with your parents, maybe. Who wants to do that? Living with your parents in your early 20's is like being that guy who wears sunglasses indoors.

And people complain young people have no work ethic and show up to work like slobs. Can you blame us? You build up the world up when we're children and when we're out there, it's a disaster. Should we care? We have no health insurance, no benefits, likely no social security and a fuckwad of loans, no job security, no sanity left. We have a fixation on being independent but most people have to depend on their parents into their 20s, 30s, 40s and feel humiliated.

I hope this was a pleasant pep talk.

FRIDAY FRIDAY GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN ON FRIDAY

Do you remember in school when teachers and counselors would always tell you you could grow up to be anything you wanted to be? They drilled it into our heads. Even to the point where career days were scheduled, I assume for encouragement. You could be a firefighter, an astronaut, the First Lady!

What a load of shit. The best advice they could have given me would have been to drop out of school as soon as I was of legal age. As I did. I'm not just saying that because I was stuck in a Bobbitt district either. Most high school seniors can't pass the GED test. Which I did, after being a layabout for a year and a half at 17. No studying, keeping it gully.

Not that if you dropped out of school you're going to suddenly become brilliant or cool. There are plenty of losers who went that route and are the most tremendous, idiotic dullards you'd ever meet. Like my ex-girlfriend. All I mean is, you have to have some degree of intelligence to realize being somewhere voluntarily where you need a pass to take a piss, is something you need to worm your way out of. Isn't asking for passes for bathroom breaks like being in jail? I wouldn't know.

That was a rather ridiculous rant, but as long as I can read it over tomorrow and laugh about it that's all that matters. What I meant to say was, when they said "you can be an astronaut when you grow up" they should have clarified. Yes, you can grow up to sell replica MTV Video Music Award moonmen at Spencer Gifts. You can also grow up to be a fireman as well if you want to be a volunteer who bags groceries part-time. Or if you really want to go for the full effect, be a salesman marketing model fire trucks to toy collectors as your primary job. When they explained it to us, they weren't very clear.

If you're relatively young and not that far out of high school or college, you know precisely what I'm talking about. And if you're only graduating high school and not going to college, don't come back here.