pocky

You want a copy of my GED even though I graduated from here with an A.A.? And have a B.A.? Well shit, alright man.

This nigga needs to stop asking me the same question over and over again before I flip over the coffee table I have yet to assemble.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

What a bad song. What a bad Staind song. What a bad band.

If you're in your 40s and still follow Christianity you've lost the plot.

Untrust me.

I decided to eat meat on purpose on Good Friday to be a prick. Rebellious, right? Actually I'm just annoyed I have to listen to JesusFM for a few minutes to begin my day of morning misery every Monday through Friday. Fuck religion. It isn't going to pay my bills, get me a job, give me amazing friends, or anything really. And if I want to feel spiritual or warm and tingly as if the Holy Spirit were inside me, I will jerk off.

I wonder if I can sue Youtube for how many days, months, or years I've lost of my life sitting through their mandatory advertisements. Prolly not.

Ah. This is the life. Being cold, listening to Babymetal and drinking vodka.

AIDS robot

You are my dream woman behind Alice Glass, Ayn Rand.

Thankfully that is 100 times around Earth. And Mitt Romney's stance changes hourly. And even if you were not the ugliest woman I'd ever seen, your philosophy is awful.

Well, this is a learning experience now isn't it. Being around ex-felons and jailbirds who can't find work because of their records. So what do they do? They enter this program or return to a life of crime/recidivism. Something that always stuck with me and perhaps why I majored in what I did is and why what one of my professors in community college said: That he and his fellow professors offered their services to the largest state prison and they declined their services. Productive, right?

I cannot say I regret what I have said and done when it comes to ex-girlfriends. They all thought they knew everything. I can admit I knew nothing at the time. They're too stubborn and insane to admit the same. So fuck it.

Had I not been the cliche colllege fast food eating drunk I was and done more productive things like interning or work-studying, I'd have turned out better than these wash-outs. Pretty sure. Though I do acknowledge the economy is rough.

GOD BLESS AMERICA. HELLO. I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?

IT'S OFFICIAL

He's going to be a daddy after dating for two whole months. Don't look at me. I don't make the rules.

Speaking of dating. I recently saw a picture of my ex-girlfriend kissing her new boyfriend, a fat bisexual fatty fat fat. It looked like the ape from Harry and the Hendersons making out with Harry Potter. There is not a hint of jealousy in that comment. Not one.

Today I was asked why I'm so quiet. Maybe because unless I am drunk I like to think before I talk and I don't have a motor mouth. I said because I was mute. People are annoying.

I'd rather shit in my own hands and clap.

Oh. You're wonderful America. Really, you are. While on break I overheard nearly everyone say they were there for Medicaid. Fuck all the cash and food stamps. Outstanding. We're just mostly here for the health insurance. Outstanding the past years have been for the working poor.

Yo, I ain't gonna lie. Almond milk is wonderful. I think that may be all I have in my fridge for a couple months. Starting now.

I'm being forced to take a nutrition class. It sounds odd but is neat also. Considering things and things and things. Yeah. Time goes by slower like when I was in college but I enjoy it.

I am thoroughly offended someone thought studying Geography meant it was all about "maps and shit." It was a friendly and typical boring conversation but I still found it quite offensive. "Yes, I chose to major or minor in Geography to know where Australia is." Why am I not dead already being surrounded by people like this?

Sometimes Youtube, I just want to listen to my fucking song without your advertisements. What a concept.

I wear blouses in my spare time.

There is a boy I would like to inject with cat smack in my class/job/environment. He is under 20. He is constantly talking, never shuts up, and believes he knows everything. I thought I knew everything when I was 19 too. But I don't think I was an idiot.

Such gems that have come out of his mouth include: Reagan being president during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Not understanding the strategic or political reasoning behind the usage of Agent Orange and napalm during Vietnam. Claiming World War 2 was in the 1960's.

He's just an awful idiot. I wish he were trolling. Also, he wants to join the US Marines. Imagine someone with that inherent lack of mental capability knowing how to fight and having a gun.

Oh, and today he said he's afraid he impregnated his girlfriend after drinking a bottle of...




















Bailey's Irish Cream.

You will never be an artist, but your breasts are tremendous.

Today was great. I woke up at 7:30AM, showered, and sat next to an ex-felon the entire morning. Really though, he seems like a nice guy. There has to be a good reason he went to prison I imagine. It was so damn boring there too, I said out loud I should have brought my flask. I'm considering.

Pinnacle Cotton Candy Vodka is marvelous, by the way. Strongly recommended. Excellent. Even straight.

Being outdoors 5-7 days a week will feel strange. I can see it from a mile away. Especially it being in the hood and all with loud motherfuckers and minorities. There's nothing overly exciting about being outside other then maybe chatting to an attractive woman. And you can take that to the bank.

And

This is what I listen to nowadays. How wonderful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7mPqycQ0tQ

This is not a joke.

I believe my mom broke the toilet seat because she is so fat. I can't wait to move soon.

Rum and Coke

Bitch you a bitch.

When I was at Subway the other day in the ghetto, I mean Wal-Mart, I requested some of the bread be removed as I typically do. The nice Latino gentleman behind the glass inquired, "Why, bro? You're not fat." I said because it was healthier. When in actuality it's because I'm not eating it for the bread and I'm not a fucking horse. He was chill, but still quite inappropriate to say to a customer. You can tell he doesn't give a shit about his job.

Yo. I saw this fine ass bitch at a local diner today. Nice ass and titties as Three 6 Mafia would say. I don't give a shit if that makes me sound sexist. I want to go again next week at around the same time and have the balls to talk to her this time. If I get shot down, fuck it. Right? Right.

I've been having a lot of fun with Bailey's, Vodka, and vanilla almond milk.

Now I can buy Lucky You cologne like I wanted and I don't fucking remember what.

My heart is pumping wine.

I lacerated my tongue in my sleep. You know what that means? This princess likely had a seizure in her sleep. Woke up with blood all over my shirt and had to wash it out and change my shirt. Good times. I'm unable to inform anyone because last time I did that, they contributed my seizures to drinking too much water. That isn't a joke.

You don't realize how much you depend on your tongue for nearly everything involving your mouth until it's wounded. Yawning, eating, brushing teeth. Such a sensitive organ. Everything hurts tremendously. I have open wounds on it. Awfully attractive, no?

What kind of dumb fuck offers another person $100 for a 32" LCD HDTV?

I AM DRUNK

Just kidding. I have gross wine but I refuse to drink it. Or do I?

The worst thing you can smell when you walk into a bathroom is cigarette smoke. It's worse than the smell of shit. At least the smell of someone else's shit doesn't cling to your skin or clothing. And when it's something really disgusting like Marlboro or Newport regulars, forget about it. You're fucked.

I have not been going anywhere so I have no interesting stories to tell. It is almost Valentine's Day. The holiday only people dumb enough to be in relationships celebrate. All the intelligent folk are tugging on their penises or rubbing their clitorises instead of buying Hallmark cards.

Good luck, retards. Relationships don't work.

Dietary advice

My mum has no neck. Literally. We had breakfast somewhere, in public unfortunately, and I informed her of this fact. I speak rather monotone and quiet and no one else heard. If you cannot tell, I am suggesting she is a rather robust lady.

Don't feel bad for her. She once went on a bizarre fitness and alcoholism craze before I began to rapidly lose weight, critiquing me. She quit that and brings home generic Target cupcakes and shit often. Now she cannot fit into pajama pants I want to throw away. Ironically, she is the only fatty.  I should tell her about Fat Fighters.

There is a common misconception one who plays WOW (or World of Warcraft) must be a nerd and that is a lie. The majority of them are not nerds, but instead (perverted) neckbeards. There is a difference. A nerd is whatever some bellend wants to believe it is, while a neckbeard is someone who has a combination of a beard with no neck. Like my ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend. Whoops.

My hand lotion is extraordinarily cheap. Germ-X it's called? It spits at me whenever it wants to. For example, say washing your hands would be an inconvenience when the bathroom is occupied. In that situation it's better to go to your room and use this anti-bacterial.

However, this thing will spit at you on occasion. You just want your hands to be clean and germ-free, right? Well, sometimes when you squeeze it it will hit the lower half of your chin and upper half of your chin. Do you see what I am getting at? You don't want to run into someone within an hour in a hallway with those kind of shirt marks?

Having a nosebleed while tipsy is nice. Bye, nigga.

*(Censored) fist bump*

CONDOM

I was going through a box of old belongings and found a loose, unused and wrapped Lifestyles Ultra Thin condom. Just one. It makes me wonder what I was thinking tossing that one loose condom into a box of linens. I must have been drunk packing.

I thought I'd keep you updated.

Let's have a few cocktails and play Pacman

I apologize. I don't often drink caffeine, not to mention this much. If I sound erratic or unstable that is why. Damn green tea. But right, like I need an excuse to be either of those fabulous qualities.

I had to go to the bank. I despise going to the bank. This one in particular because it is so ghettorific there are no deposit slips in public so one must ask for one, there is an armed police officer on guard, and the tellers are behind bulletproof glass. I've never been to a branch of my bank that has or had any of those things.

Afterwards I went to Wal-Mart for multi-packs of gum and pairs of socks. Four things yeah? I should have been in and out, the premature ejaculator I am. What do you believe happened? To put it delicately, it was Wal-Mart in a densely populated area.

Alright, forget being delicate. Checking out was what I'd imagine falling victim to a nuclear winter would be like. Visualize one thousand people grocery and electronic shopping on a Saturday with three, four cashiers working the cash registers. This store has no shortage of workers either because I have a friend who works there and was informed they were cutting hours that night and to not come in. Fuck my life.

I went so long this post not swearing too.

On another note, I am confident one of my friends is gay or bi at the very least. I would have no problem with that. Unfortunately, he often calls me "hun" and recently asked (this is verbatim), "Get on cam with me. I have no clothes on." When he's drunk, he's even more over-the-top.

This post was too long. So on that note,
God Bless America

I think I put too much cinnamon in my apple sauce

You're supposed to wear shit clothes when you do laundry. That is a rule I made. All must obey it.

I went to the laundromat in these pajama pants. I didn't really give a shit. I mean, I was in the Latin American ghetto afterall. I looked far more sophisticated and put together than most of them. All did not go as planned on the laundry part.

While my clothes were washing, my clothes did not appear to be becoming sudsy. I am unsure if that made sense grammatically. I am unsure if I really care either. Never mind. I definitely don't care.

I need to watch episodes one and two of Skins Season Six. First-world problems.

Anyway. A pipe burst. Or some shit. I think my clothes were clean. There were no stains! They smelled nice. There were two, three inches of water. But I had to get the fuck out of there to dry them. So I went to another laundromat in town to dry them.

Why is this relevant or related you may ask? Because both had equal qualities. Small Hispanic children running around screaming, crying, tripping, falling, being annoying. Some came a little too close to me which made me fill with horror. Not because of their race, but rather because they looked uncleanly and not well taken care of. 'Tis to be expected with parents allowing them to run berserk in a public establishment.

I prefer nature over nurture, however. I could read at the age of three or four while my...'challenged' classmates stuttered and stumbled over simple words like "and" and "the." These were also Hispanics. I am Hispanic and I can cry if I want to. I mean, say that if I want to. And don't get me started on them/us preferring to be called Latinos now. That's a load of old shit and plain silly.

HE SHOOTS. HE SCORES.

I didn't choose to not be a moron, but I would if I had a choice.

'CAUSE I'M LIVIN' LIKE A ROCKSTAR

I am ecstatic to be unemployed.

But a friend reminded me of something hilarious/disgusting/unsanitary/(unethical?) about my last job. It reminded me because he joked one of our mutual friends should boil her used anal beads before sharing them with others.

Don't ask.

Anyway, my story goes as follows. At my job we would sell sex toys, among other things. That isn't the hilarious or disgusting part. I didn't mind much. However, occasionally customers would return them for whatever reason. They didn't want it anymore, it didn't work the way they preferred, or they were just finicky. Well, we (the employees) weren't sure if the return department sterilized the plastic penises before reselling them, but we were almost certain they did not.

Remember this next time you use a rabbit or anal beads on yourself. That would be 100% of the people visiting or reading this blog.