My heart is pumping wine.

I lacerated my tongue in my sleep. You know what that means? This princess likely had a seizure in her sleep. Woke up with blood all over my shirt and had to wash it out and change my shirt. Good times. I'm unable to inform anyone because last time I did that, they contributed my seizures to drinking too much water. That isn't a joke.

You don't realize how much you depend on your tongue for nearly everything involving your mouth until it's wounded. Yawning, eating, brushing teeth. Such a sensitive organ. Everything hurts tremendously. I have open wounds on it. Awfully attractive, no?

What kind of dumb fuck offers another person $100 for a 32" LCD HDTV?

I AM DRUNK

Just kidding. I have gross wine but I refuse to drink it. Or do I?

The worst thing you can smell when you walk into a bathroom is cigarette smoke. It's worse than the smell of shit. At least the smell of someone else's shit doesn't cling to your skin or clothing. And when it's something really disgusting like Marlboro or Newport regulars, forget about it. You're fucked.

I have not been going anywhere so I have no interesting stories to tell. It is almost Valentine's Day. The holiday only people dumb enough to be in relationships celebrate. All the intelligent folk are tugging on their penises or rubbing their clitorises instead of buying Hallmark cards.

Good luck, retards. Relationships don't work.

Dietary advice

My mum has no neck. Literally. We had breakfast somewhere, in public unfortunately, and I informed her of this fact. I speak rather monotone and quiet and no one else heard. If you cannot tell, I am suggesting she is a rather robust lady.

Don't feel bad for her. She once went on a bizarre fitness and alcoholism craze before I began to rapidly lose weight, critiquing me. She quit that and brings home generic Target cupcakes and shit often. Now she cannot fit into pajama pants I want to throw away. Ironically, she is the only fatty.  I should tell her about Fat Fighters.

There is a common misconception one who plays WOW (or World of Warcraft) must be a nerd and that is a lie. The majority of them are not nerds, but instead (perverted) neckbeards. There is a difference. A nerd is whatever some bellend wants to believe it is, while a neckbeard is someone who has a combination of a beard with no neck. Like my ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend. Whoops.

My hand lotion is extraordinarily cheap. Germ-X it's called? It spits at me whenever it wants to. For example, say washing your hands would be an inconvenience when the bathroom is occupied. In that situation it's better to go to your room and use this anti-bacterial.

However, this thing will spit at you on occasion. You just want your hands to be clean and germ-free, right? Well, sometimes when you squeeze it it will hit the lower half of your chin and upper half of your chin. Do you see what I am getting at? You don't want to run into someone within an hour in a hallway with those kind of shirt marks?

Having a nosebleed while tipsy is nice. Bye, nigga.

*(Censored) fist bump*

CONDOM

I was going through a box of old belongings and found a loose, unused and wrapped Lifestyles Ultra Thin condom. Just one. It makes me wonder what I was thinking tossing that one loose condom into a box of linens. I must have been drunk packing.

I thought I'd keep you updated.

Let's have a few cocktails and play Pacman

I apologize. I don't often drink caffeine, not to mention this much. If I sound erratic or unstable that is why. Damn green tea. But right, like I need an excuse to be either of those fabulous qualities.

I had to go to the bank. I despise going to the bank. This one in particular because it is so ghettorific there are no deposit slips in public so one must ask for one, there is an armed police officer on guard, and the tellers are behind bulletproof glass. I've never been to a branch of my bank that has or had any of those things.

Afterwards I went to Wal-Mart for multi-packs of gum and pairs of socks. Four things yeah? I should have been in and out, the premature ejaculator I am. What do you believe happened? To put it delicately, it was Wal-Mart in a densely populated area.

Alright, forget being delicate. Checking out was what I'd imagine falling victim to a nuclear winter would be like. Visualize one thousand people grocery and electronic shopping on a Saturday with three, four cashiers working the cash registers. This store has no shortage of workers either because I have a friend who works there and was informed they were cutting hours that night and to not come in. Fuck my life.

I went so long this post not swearing too.

On another note, I am confident one of my friends is gay or bi at the very least. I would have no problem with that. Unfortunately, he often calls me "hun" and recently asked (this is verbatim), "Get on cam with me. I have no clothes on." When he's drunk, he's even more over-the-top.

This post was too long. So on that note,
God Bless America